Ah, I’m so relaxed right now. I finally convinced Hannah to let me out of my bed. She takes such good care of me but I am very protective and possessive of what little freedom I have. That may explain why I’m perhaps overextending myself by smoking marijuana at the moment. It’s interesting to psychoanalyse my own self-destructive behaviour as I engage in it. It’s almost like an elastic snapback; after being confined to such narrow parameters of existence for so long (though not so long, in relative terms), I’ve not just run (or rolled) back to my original position, but continued all the way to the other side, as if my freedom was a position on an axis, and rather than restore my old co-ordinate, I doubled the difference. Having been forced by powers outside my control to limit myself for my own protection, I now feel compelled to the opposite and abuse my freedom in a self-damaging way.
But that raises an interesting question; will I always do a running leap away from unfavourable circumstances and will I always do then in this elastic, reflective fashion? And if my current circumstances, a self-imposed captivity, become unfavourable, will the snapback come in the form of a freedom motivated by outside factors?
Probably not. No one ever figures out the end of the story in the middle. Not in real life, anyway.