Gun Street Girl

[The following is a transcript of a recorded conversation between Benjamin Vanderwaal and Rachael Marie Sandings on the 6th of Feburary, 2012. Tape begins.]

Benjamin: Right, before we pick up where we left off, I want you to do something for me.

Rachael: Yes?

Benjamin: You have to swear on Emma (Schrödinger)’s grave that you will answer my questions honestly.

Rachael: [She inhales sharply.] I swear.

Benjamin: Good. Now, let’s continue. You’ve been on the other side. Seeing what you’ve seen and knowing what you know, how can you honestly believe that your crusade against the monster’s minions can be anything but a failure?

Rachael: I…I don’t care if it fails. I…look, until late last year I didn’t have anything to live didn’t know what to do, what to live for. Figthing…fighting is easy. And I…I like it. I like knowing that I’m shaking things, destoying things…that I am in control. I am in control.

Benjamin: You’re not in control, Rachael. Is this really what you want to be doing, or even what you think you should? Or are you just doing it because you feel like you’re defying Maurice?

Rachael: What do you think I should do then?! Wait and rot? Die alone in a tomb? The fact is, I’m a dead woman. No mattter what I do, I won’t have control in my life. You want honesty? Fine. The only time I’ve ever felt in control of my life and myself have been when I’ve been fighting.

Benjamin: You’ve only felt control when fighting but that doesn’t mean its the only way for you to be in control. If the way you’ve always been isn’t satisfactory, then you need to change, Rachael. You say you don’t feel like you have control unless you’re fighting, that fighting gives you the feeling of control, but that’s only because you need to take control of situations where you feel you have none. You’re a strong person, Rachael, but you don’t use your strength in the right way. Right now, you’re using that strength to serve violence because you think that if you do, it will give you control. You need to use that strength to take control for yourself. There won’t always be someone to clean your wounds.

Rachael: It’s easy for you to say that.

Benjamin: That doesn’t make me wrong though. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy for you, but unless you want to feel weak forever, it’s what you’re going to have to do. Take it from someone who took too long to change and missed all his chances.

Rachael: What would you have me do?

Benjamin: Look, I don’t know you, Rachael, I’m only going on what I can see from my limited viewpoint. Only you can know what you really want to do with your life and only you can have the courage and conviction to pursue that goal. I’m just the messenger, it’s up to you to interpret what I tell you.

Rachael: [She sighs.] Next question, please.

Benjamin: Did you lie to me at all during the last interview?

Rachael: …yes.

Benjamin: When?

Rachael: [A long pause, then a deep breath.]…about what happened that night.

Benjamin: The night that Maurice died?

Rachael: Yes.

Benjamin: What actually happened then?

Rachael: Please understand, I don’t remember much from that time. I…it was twelve thirty. Brian still wasn’t home. Neither was Maurice. And…Maurice came home first. He’d changed, I swear it. Maurice was a flawed man, but he hadn’t been like this in years. I opened the door for him and he rushed me. He started hitting me and he was…[She falls silent.]

Benjamin: And he was…?

Rachael: He…he told me he was tired of Brian and the games. That it was taking too long. That he would…take me, kill him and then kill me. For his Master. On his orders. And so I killed him.

Benjamin: Then what happened?

Rachael: Brian never came back. I…I was really weak. I couldn’t move Maurice. I remember that much. I…I’d hit him in the head with a lamp, the first time. I’d just kept hitting him. And he had these knives, so… [She shudders.] I don’t want to talk about it. But Brian never came home. And…and nothing happened.

Benjamin: Nothing? Where did you go? What did you do?

Rachael: I didn’t do anything. I didn’t go anywhere. I waited for Brian, for something to happen. I didn’t know what to do…I was a fucking little girl back then. So I waited for his Master to claim me, or for Brian to come home, or for something to happen…but nothing did, and his body was still there…and I didn’t have any choice, I just had to get rid of him, I had to get him out of the house…I carved him. I carved him with his own knives and scattered him piece by piece all over the city. In bags in dumpsters, in the river, in fires, in lye, anything to get rid of it. And when it was all over I had nothing. Nothing to live for. Nothing but a tomb of a home where his voice echoed my guilt for years and years and NOTHING HAPPENED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? NOTHING HAPPENED! HE NEVER CAME FOR ME! HE NEVER CAME!

Benjamin: So…you never really worked for him?

Rachael: Did I? I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things from back then. All I know, is that with every passing day Maurice’s presence in my head, his voice got stronger and stronger. It was…comforting. I worked alone and I did what I had to do. Did I do his work? Yes. Have I ever seen Him? no. Never.

Benjamin: Jesus. That’s…really surprising. Do you think you developed the disassociative identity disorder because of the trauma of killing Maurice or because he interfered with you from afar?

Rachael: If I knew that I wouldn’t be shooting people. [Her voice drops to a whisper.] I only just remembered what happened a few weeks ago.

Benjamin: Rachael, if this is getting too uncomfortable, we can end the interview.

Rachael: I think…this is important. I…I recived an email yesterday. Capo said if I don’t go back to New York by the end of next week, he’ll kill Brian. So…this is important now. I…I might never get to be honest again.

Benjamin: If you go back.

Rachael: I’m going back.

Benjamin: Why do you care about the body that once held Brian’s mind if it doesn’t do so anymore?

Rachael: He’s still Brian. And…he did so much for me in his life. He cared for me, he loved me. I just I cant let him die.

Benjamin: Well, I disagree, but I can see there’s no arguing with you. Okay, this is your last confession. What else do you want to get off your chest?

Rachael: Hold on, hold on. You wouldn’t try to save someone who you loved and loved you? You’d let them die? Would you really not try?

Benjamin: Of course I would. In a heartbeat. But last time I checked, you loved and were loved by Brian, not Van Hellsing.

Rachael: It doesn’t matter.

Benjamin: Well, it would matter to me, but that’s not important. If this is your last chance to be honest, then get talking. Is there anything else you want to say?

Rachael: Do you know The Mad Ventriloquist (of Throwing Voices)?

Benjamin: Ronan? We’ve never spoken but I read his blog. Why?

Rachael: I thought I loved him for a while. But it wasn’t love. I was just trying to ground myself with someone again. I want to take this opportunity to tell you, and him, and anyone reading this that I only wish the best for R-him and David. A-and I lusted after someone else, but in the end I realized I can’t move on just yet. I just can’t. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this but I just can’t let go just yet.

Benjamin: Care to share who someone else is?

Rachael: N-no! He…he doesn’t need to know, and he’s with someone a-anyways so it doesn’t matter. I-I’ll tell him someday.

Benjamin: Even though this might be your last chance to be honest?

Rachael: It’s not worth saying! I don’t want to hurt anyone else, especially if this is it. I don’t want to hurt anyone I care about. And…I just can’t stop acting. Even now, How many of these feelings are real? How much of these words are unscripted? How many are real? I can’t tell anymore, Benjamin. I just can’t.

Benjamin: Look, Rachael…do what you have to do and do it well.

Rachael: [A pause, then a quiet sob.] What if I do the wrong thing?

Benjamin: Then you learn from your mistake and keep going. I know it’s not an easy thing to do but doing what’s right is rarely easy and truths are almost always uncomfortable. I wish I could say something that would take the tears from your eyes but I’m not going to lie either. I’m sorry.

Rachael: The worst part is…I can’t even think of more things to say. I mean this might be it and I can’t even think of things to tell you.

Benjamin: Maybe you just don’t have anything left to say.

Rachael: I’m not even sure I’d know either way. [She laughs hollowly.] I guess this is it then.

Benjamin: I guess so. Good luck out there. If you don’t pull through, well, you’ll be remembered well. I’m not sure if I can promise much more than that.

Rachael: That’s more than I ever expected.

Benjamin: Anything else before I kill the recorder? [Silence.] Okay, great.

[Tape ends.]

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